


Empty As the Bed We Made

by celeste9



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Awkward Conversations, Kylo Ren Redemption, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-27 07:33:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12076458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: “Hey,” Poe said, and tried to pretend this wasn’t tremendously awkward.It wasn’t like his boyfriend had gone over to the dark side, killed a hell of a lot of sentient beings, tortured Poe, then changed his mind and defected, coming back over to the light, or anything. Nah, this was all totally normal.





	Empty As the Bed We Made

**Author's Note:**

> For knightpilot week, Day 3: reparations. Title from Mumford & Sons.

“Hey,” Ben said, from down the corridor behind Poe.

Poe turned and watched Ben shuffle towards him. When they were younger, Ben had had this tendency to stoop, like he was self-conscious of how tall he was and trying to appear more inconspicuous.

Kylo Ren had never been like that. He had always stood tall and straight and looming, reminding everyone of how dangerous he was, how formidable an enemy.

Since Ben had come home, he’d fallen back into old habits. Poe wasn’t sure if it was intentional or if he was just that uncomfortable.

Poe wasn’t sure of much of anything when it came to Ben, these days. Sometimes he had to remind himself even to call him Ben.

“Hey,” Poe said, and tried to pretend this wasn’t tremendously awkward.

It wasn’t like his boyfriend had gone over to the dark side, killed a hell of a lot of sentient beings, tortured Poe, then changed his mind and defected, coming back over to the light, or anything. Nah, this was all totally normal.

“Uh, yeah, so, I…” Ben rubbed the back of his head before reaching for Poe.

Poe flinched.

Ben recoiled back, a flush rising up his neck. “Sorry,” he said. “Sorry. I just… Here.” He held his hand out.

Poe opened his palm and Ben dropped something into it, small, like a rock. Curiously, Poe gazed at it.

It was a tiny model RZ-1 A-wing, painted, detailed, just like the one his mother had flown. Exactly like a model Poe had treasured as a kid, pieced together painstakingly by hand. His mother had helped him, actually, laughing and admiring the craftwork.

He kept staring at it.

Ben cleared his throat. “Do you remember, when we were kids, I… I was practicing, showing off, really, trying to move things with the Force, but I ended up losing half your models in the lake? And this one, because it was your mom’s, you were so angry. I thought you’d never speak to me again.”

“I remember.” It was all Poe could make himself say.

“So I thought… I thought… Anyway, it was stupid, but I found this for you. So. It’s yours.”

Poe swallowed thickly, still staring at the model in his palm. “That’s it? You think you can just… And everything will be okay again? Like when we were kids?”

“Of course not, I--”

“You can’t fix this by buying me things, Ben. You can’t pretend like you didn’t…” The edges of the model dug into Poe’s palm as he clenched his fist around it. “We’re on the same side again, apparently, but that doesn’t mean we’re okay.”

Ben was flexing and extending his fingers at his side, half a nervous gesture and half like he was thinking about using his powers. Poe knew he couldn’t, actually, that had been part of the terms for his position here, but that didn’t banish the reflex, clearly. “I know that.”

“So what is this?”

“I’m just…” Ben blew out a breath. He looked so much like the old Ben, the boy Poe had loved once, a long time ago, before their lives had happened, that it made Poe feel like his heart was being squeezed in his chest. “I wanted to…” He trailed off and Poe wasn’t sure if he didn’t know what he meant himself or if he just couldn’t say any of it.

“You’re always the same,” Poe said, anger rising inside and overflowing without his consent. “You’re so selfish. You always think about yourself, and what you need, and what you feel, and you don’t care-- You think you could do something nice for me, huh? But this is still about you! It’s not for me, it’s to make yourself feel better. You’re so kriffing selfish! You just think you’re gonna die before this is over and you’re trying to fix your own guilt because you know you can’t fix any of the things that actually matter.”

The corridor fell silent, so that all Poe could hear was the imagined thumping of his own heart and the echo of Ben’s breathing, harsh and heavy. Poe’s anger seemed to trickle out of him because what was the point, really? He couldn’t change what had already happened. He couldn’t change that he had loved Ben once, and he couldn’t change that Ben had thrown him away.

He couldn’t change that part of him still felt something, even after all that had passed. He just wasn’t certain that mattered.

“I hope you live,” Poe said. “I hope you live and have to deal with what you’ve done, the repercussions of your poor choices. I hope you have to live with all the things you’ve done and all the mistakes you’ve made, knowing that not everyone will forgive you.”

“I don’t expect you to forgive me, Poe,” Ben said in a small voice. Even after all the mess between them, he still understood what Poe was saying without him even saying it. “I think I hurt you the worst. You and my family.” His gaze fluttered away, like he couldn’t meet Poe’s eyes, or like he didn’t want to.

For a terrible moment Poe felt like he was back in restraints on the _Finalizer,_ Kylo Ren yanking images out of his head. He could still hardly sleep an entire night through without waking in a cold sweat, feeling like someone else was in his head, and he and Rey had an unspoken agreement that she would never go near his mind, not for anything.

But it wasn’t even that that hurt the most. It was the memory of sitting in his room on Hosnian Prime, not knowing if Ben was alive or dead, and not knowing if any of the rumors were true.

“I think,” Poe said, banishing all those memories from his head, standing as straight as he was able, “I think the beings you’ve hurt the most are the ones whose families you killed.”

“Yes,” Ben said, throat working. “I guess everyone will be lining up for that distinction, and for the chance to push me off a cliff.”

Poe almost laughed, in a pained, surprised reflex. He squashed the impulse.

“The ship,” Ben said, nodding at Poe’s clenched fist, looking so horribly uncomfortable. “You can throw it away if you want. It’s yours; you can do whatever you like with it.”

He turned back around and went down the corridor, leaving Poe standing there.

Very carefully Poe unclenched his fist and looked down at the model resting there in his palm. What a long time ago it had been, and how silly that he had been so angry over something so inconsequential, the loss of something sentimental. It had felt like losing his mother all over again but that seemed so naïve now.

How much Poe had lost since. How could a toy have ever mattered?

Without entirely understanding why he was doing it, Poe dropped the model into the inside breast pocket of his jacket, feeling it there like a weight beside his heart as he walked through the base and took flight in _Black One._

**_End_ **

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on Tumblr [here](http://serceleste.tumblr.com). :)


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